Rules of the Road for Successful Divorce Mediation

By Your Friendly Divorce

The decision to pursue a divorce is difficult. It means the dismantling of a family. It can be frightening for children, and destructive to their emotional well-being. Finances can be uncertain, and about the future can be produce anxiety in the entire family.

Focusing on the positive aspects, a long overdue divorce can mean a fresh start for a husband and wife, and less turmoil for children than being in an unhappy home.

Over the years, we have seen couples who have successfully mediated their divorce and others, who have suffered tremendously in divorce court. We strongly advocate mediation or collaborative divorce (see our companion article on this topic).

Our extensive training and experience has helped us identify what we believe are some of the considerations for a successful divorce mediation.

  1. Your Relationship Deserves the Honor and Respect in Ending that it had in the Beginning

    2. When you made the decision to enter a marriage, you committed to love and honor. That commitment was sacred. In order to successfully pursue divorce mediation, we believe respect and honor must continue through mediation and through the divorce process. Unfair accusations against your spouse are counter-productive and serve no purpose.

  2. Commitment to Pursue Common Goals in Mediation

    3. In the mediation process, what makes mediation work, is the decision that the parties will pursue common goals in divorcing. This is not a greedy proceeding, where one party seeks to disenfranchise the affection of children for the other spouse, or get all of the assets of the marriage. This is a place where the shared goal needs to be the pursuit of a successful post-divorce life for both spouses. While it may be difficult to do at times, the interests of your spouse must find a place in your thinking for divorce mediation to work.

    At YourFriendlyDivorce.com, we spend valuable time at the start of the mediation process identifying the common goals of the mediation, and returning to those common goals over and over, so that the parties place paramount importance on joint goals.

  3. We Will Pursue Mediation Honestly

    4. Nothing can be more counter-productive to an otherwise successful mediation than lying, whether that be about hiding assets, or not divulging anything of importance. Truth is the bedrock of mediation, and trust requires honesty in communication.

    We encourage our clients to be honest in all mediation proceedings and to be honest in completing financial disclosures and other documents. If honesty prevails, divorce mediation has a huge potential for success both during the mediation process and following the divorce.

  4. We Will Take Control of the Mediation

    5. Both parties in the mediation must commit themselves to the process. They must be responsible for the course of the mediation, meaning that they will stick with it through the often difficult process of negotiation, give and take, and a long view to the successful resolution of the marital issues through mediation.

    It can be very alluring to turn over control of the issues to a lawyer, but ceding this authority is only superficially attractive, and usually unrewarding. It is a very long and circuitous route to return back to where you started for many couples. While we concede that some cases may be resolved best by attorneys, we believe they are rare, and that most couples can make it through mediation with less emotional and financial loss.

    YourFriendlyDivorce has the experience to guide you successfully through the mediation process. We are comprised of lawyers with experience and special mediation training and strongly believe in the divorce mediation process.

  5. We Will Communicate With Each Other in a Civil Manner

    6. Divorce mediation is not a dumping ground for bitterness, or a place to communicate through a third party, the mediator, all of the dirt you have on your soon to be ex-spouse. If both husband and wife have decided the marriage should end in divorce, then it is conducive to mediation to get to the issues of the divorce, dividing assets, parenting, post-divorce budgets. Focusing and moving forward on those issues requires focus on them, and not on needlessly venting, which creates further distance and is counterproductive.

    At YourFriendlyDivorce, we ask couples to commit to the mediation process at the first session, and urge that commitment in further meetings and caucuses with our clients. We ask couples to use our abilities as mediators, not messengers of angry messages. We believe that this requires civility in communication.

  6. We Will Be Realistic and in Completing the Post-Divorce Budget and Thorough in Completing Worksheets to Identify Assets and Liabilities

    7. Much of divorce mediation involves financial issues where equitable distribution of assets, pensions, savings, alimony and related issues must be handled.

    Couples need to consider all of their assets and liabilities, and often the list of assets and liabilities is broader than you think. Credit cards, other debts, loans from family members, are among liabilities of the marriage. Assets include all real and personal property.

    At YourFriendlyDivorce, we have developed a thorough worksheet to help a couple identify all assets and liabilities so that the process of mediating these issues in a creative, yet realistic way is possible. The worksheets we provide become the springboard for negotiating the terms of the memorandum of understanding, which ultimately will become the property settlement agreement entered into at the conclusion of the divorce proceedings.

    In completing the post-divorce budget, we ask our clients to be thorough and our worksheets ensure that no expense is looked over and crops up later unresolved. We have the experience to guide our clients through the post divorce budgeting process.

  7. We Will Work Towards a Parenting Plan That Has the Best Interests of Our Children as The Paramount Goal

    8. Children are so often the victims of a vicious divorce. Research in this area shows convincingly that children in a difficult contested divorce leave the divorce with emotional scars, often blaming themselves for the breakup of their parents.

    They often fear the future and the separation from one or the other parent. Reassuring the children that they will continue to have both parents and parental guidance and love from both parents is critical.

    At YourFriendlyDivorce, we have special training in the needs of children, and continue to consider them the most important consideration in coming up with a parenting plan that continues to provide the love and nurturance of both parents.

    We also are realistic and thorough in considering their needs, financial and emotional, in the process. The parenting plan will assure that the children are cared for in these areas and have the best opportunity to thrive.

Copyright © 2003-2008, Corinne Mullen. All rights reserved.

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